Hand

i think it's really silly of me yet again wanting for a pause when time and tide wait for no man.

this warmth within me, does not come from love. it's some burning pain that irritates me bit by bit, by the second.

tired of living, i am.

each time i pick myself up from the ground, i quickly lose sight and motivation to stay positive. i find no meaning in it. always hoping for the better in my broken-down world is very exhausting.

i shed tears without me knowing, without control. even my body is tired of obeying the will within.

while the once beautiful sun shines to mock me, i will carry on as far as i can, on my own.

while no man was meant to be an island, there is nothing you can do if you happen to be the one in the million who is isolated.

islands cannot move; at least they're not meant to.

this place of love that you so speak and preach, does not belong to me.

for the love that i once knew, probably had only been an illusion, an euphoric sensation that i had allowed myself to be cheated into.

don't hold my hand, if don't plan to stand by and stay with me.

Jokes

happened to catch a live comedy at reunion dinner tonight. the sad thing was it wasn't funny.

but rather, i was left speechless, am still, with heaviness in my head and heart.

i see a father playing with his 2 pet dogs like Ash the Pokemon trainer with his Pikachu or somesort. a close and loving bond so seemingly strong that he seemed to have forgotten he has children. his own children.

met my new aunt from China again, together with her newborn son who was in deep slumber. reminded me of the times when i first saw my sister, and the days i had taken care of her ever since day 1.

i had quite a few cynical and unfruitful comments i wanted to tell my new aunt. stuff like "you should cherish the present bliss you have now because you never know when you and your child might lose it" and some other stuff i kinda forget, and am glad that i did. little Dominic, inasmuch indifference i may feel towards you and your mum now, i do hope a good future is ahead of you; after all, you are already somewhat, a victim.

grandpa's portrait stood silently in front of the dining hall, and watched us have our meal. grandma served us her special dark-sauce sauteed prawns while my brother was busy texting his new girlfriend.

don't really have to add on to the heartbreak for my granny with the cold truth that i'm single and different, really.

God, if you're reading this, is today's reunion dinner just another show? another drama to make me feel confused about my existence in this family and world?

"what do you wanna do/be in the near future?"

i don't know anymore; i don't really care actually?

as i speak i'm still talking to you. i'm probably just making things worse for myself.

FML

Solstice

in the darkest and longest of nights, i've decided.

decided to give it all up, all away.

enough of the deceptions.

practising what you preach(ed) begins now.

as i lay my cloaks aside, i could finally see myself with clarity.

yes, people around will notice, but that is all that can happen. everything else can be ignored.

i may not, and never be half as successful as some people in this life.

a desire to be a great person in life overthrown by the greater giants of this world.

but i will hold on, press on, and move on.

if strength is all i have, it's power without a steering wheel.

still looking for direction. my direction.

Milk Tea

3 weeks have passed in a blink of an eye.. and i'm leaving Tekong very very soon.

Met many new nice friends, and some not-very-nice people.

the tragic thing is that many of the good ones would be heading to MDC, instead of the 3 mainland camps. just when the nice and new friendships begin, everything is coming to a possible close in 5 days.

on a more positively convenient note, we don't have to take ferries anymore! especially with my newfound motion sickness.

physical training wasn't tough; the mind-fucking was.

mentally overloaded, emotionally stretched, enticed, but held under unstable suppression. broke down a few times silently when no one noticed, then resumed my brave front regime again.

life is a lot easier being yourself, but my intuition told me that none of it was worth the risk.

i'm not the vulgar, complaining, and vengeful sort of person, though i seem to be acting like one for the past few weeks.

after much thought, it really is, not worth being a small person on the inside. the roots of a man's character must be deep and embedded tightly to the ground for greatness to blossom (chinese character for the word "Great")

5 more days. just live with a kindred spirit and deadened nerves.

i think the challenge in life is not to bring justice to the ones you care, but the good in everyone that you possibly know in this lifetime.

honestly i feel just as down when i'm home. was walking towards macs with my sister. clearly we are still not in talking terms at all. her expression on her face looked exactly like mine when i was her age - when my relationship with my dad was dying. i can't help but to feel sorrowful, and i started to tear.

i wished she would know that she's the little girl that i had cuddled ever since day 1, the one that i loved, looked after and played with. my only sister, the only sister i will be proud of in my life.

i know the look on her face better than anything else, and i just cannot help but feel horrible seeing all this happen again.

still am glad to have met Darren and Bingren. i feel alot better now.

thanks Daryl for passing me the iTouch cable too!

the final days in Tekong - i guess, i would miss it.

All You Wanted - Michelle Branch

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
to show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the time comes
I'd take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah


If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

End

weeks and months have passed, all too quickly when you look back and all too slow when you go through it.

slogged for months, and took a month off to socialise and give myself a break.

made repayments to the bank, though unable to clear them, at least i brought minimal monthly repayments down significantly for mum.

my mental state seems to be deteriorating, after a few uncontrollable emotional outbreaks in the train.

the searing pain in the heart so overwhelming, hurt and burned so hard that even my will had failed me.

i still have problems communicating with my sister (k maybe the whole family); it's just crazy how a little of her insolence can make my tolerance snap almost instantly.

but i know that i know, that He will never waste any pain that He has put me through.

forget about loss and regret; when i take a look around, i have found people that would lend a hand, and mend this broken heart and life of mine.

so much change, so little time to blog about it.

i'll take my time when i'm back from tekong i guess. wouldn't want to spoil some surprises i'd like to give.

i've got a tight grip of reality, but i can't let go of what's in front of me here.

it's already an irremovable tattoo, scarred by hurt.

if there's anything i'd pray for, i'd pray that this getaway of mine will make me strong enough to overcome it.

i will rise again, and be that nice and cool guy everyone once knew.

and i'll be strong enough to be myself, to take my stands whenever necessary.

all i can say to you is:

i missed our friendship, the best that i had in my life so far.

but you got to take your eyes off yourself, and fix it around, above and beyond.

make your boundaries happen; just so you know, you crossed my boundary, not the other way round.

till then, ........ =)

Poisoned

sometimes i wonder why i care so much about you

sometimes i wonder why i actually believed in you, and even the things you said in your drunken stupor

i just don't understand why things are working out like this

a simple reply was all i ever needed

but why did you have to ignore me

all week long i've been finding ways to see how i could bless you

to make you feel better possibly, with a desire of your heart

but you want me to shut up



i have got no idea what's going on, what am i still doing in a circumstance like this

only hoping you'd be open once again

about your true self and not things you feel that is alright to share

without having to be reliant on alcohol

to be reliant on getting high



one life is connected to many hearts

i pray you will live it well

because i will only hope that this poisoned heart of mine

would be the only one to die in this life

Re:union

Looks like most of the people i know got pretty good CNY celebrations, not to mention Valentine's in the midst of it all.

big fat red packets fill the pockets tighter than a can of sardines.

sumptuous meals, tables adorn with abalone and the finest of meats.

new clothes, new phones (more iPhones recently), the freshest catches in town that caught my attention.

nice pictures, lovely smiles, the hugs and the get-togethers, never fail to bring warmth.




never fail to bring pain.




yes, i'm a jealous man! my heart is poisoned with envy and i need to rid of it.

i kept repeating to myself that there are some things in life that you just can't have. it's just not meant to be, and you can't always have things your way, but life always has its ways for you instead.

there are things that i could have i suppose, just not the easy peasy way.



will satisfying my material desires make me feel any better? for so many years it hasn't, but having the life of 0 progression makes me equally demoralizing, and feel lousy about myself.

and then again why is the value of myself affected by material assets? why do the things of this world make you "feel" better about yourself?



i'm not getting how my mind works right now. logic seems to fail me at this point of time, or it could be that it is my logic that is failing.

even if it is worthless, useless, doesn't make me feel good, i will make a stand this time round to upgrade myself. BY MYSELF.



WANTS:
1. iPhone/ iPod Touch
i want it because i just like it. period.
2. New desktop
i want it because i want better-quality standard of gaming and working for myself.
3. New watchES
not one not two but many baby. hopefully one for each day
4. New laptop
"huh? what for? already gonna get a desktop what?" versatility. period.
5. LOADS OF NEW CLOTHES
hey c'mon Henry. you don't deserve to just wear loser clothing that's all black and white all the time, that has been worn over 5-7 years. wake the fuck up and get a whole wardrobe for yourself la.
6. New shoes
one of every colour, for every occasion, including slippers and sandals. no point having nice clothes without nice shoes.
7. New accessories
the best of gold, silver and steel (hopefully not steel actually). bags, belts, bands, studs, chains yeah man that's how people shine. well of course i gotta get a white gold chain again after i gave mine away ._.
8. New guitar
i'm going to get one for myself. hate sharing things with my brother.
9. Car
every man's dream? at least for mine. 10 years of Gran Turismo ain't gonna be wasted just like that. with a car also means license as well la duh.
10. My own apartment
i'm done sharing rooms, sleeping on the floor, fighting over space, and forced to corners of this world just because i don't own the place that i live in.



these desires (excluding 9 & 10) would easily cost me 10,000 dollars. Apparently "ask and you will receive" is not going to work here. i'm not making a comparison with another individual and saying that my life is inferior than his/hers; it's just different.

i am fully confident that i can be a blessing to those who want and need me in their lives. because i have always wanted to be. i still want to, but the economy has changed, and self-recovery is crucial at this moment.

sponsors are welcome, but i hardly doubt so. haha don't bother either. i have the tendency to make emotional repayments to anyone who treats me exceptionally well, which isn't really a good thing.

i don't beg. i don't fucking beg nor whine like a dog for something i want.

i'll get them on my own; i know i can.




i'm not being selfish. i love my loved ones very much, even if they didn't notice, cannot understand, see, feel, reciprocate, or even accept me.

but loving someone has become exceptionally miserable for me when i'm so limited and having to give up so much of myself.

i need to strike the balance of loving myself, as well as my neighbours equally.

in this case, i think i may need to love myself more, considering the many voids deep within.



i'm happy for those who are blessed. and may God bless you guys even more.

but i'm going to go for a solo journey to earn my own blessing.



i still love God. i still believe in Him.

but my victory in life requires me to climb this flight of steps the different way.