Resolution

it's already the beginning of a new year, and for the 10,000th time probably, i've felt the year past both as slow as a snail and flash at the speed of light.

the cell group appreciation had also finished, though not really fantastically.
i'm not sure if you guys enjoyed it.. but to be honest i don't think i did lol. maybe i'm focusing too much on technical, operational issues. the people did everything they could to make it happen though, which is something that we should be proud of - the costumes, quick wits, enthusiasm and the will to celebrate and enjoy even though things did not go according to "plan".

i've learnt so much being in the committee.. though everything ain't really that nice, but we've put in alot (and i mean alot) of blood and sweat into it (not to mention sleepless nights). Thank you all for helping and bearing with me, and also teaching me so much along the way.



Thank you Xiaowei and James for the gifts; they're the only gifts i've received for the month (in a very long while to be exact), so i really appreciate them.



Thank you Han Kiong too. i don't usually get thank-you hugs, hugs that come from within. hardly lol.



and uh.. the UPsize award thingy.. thanks for that too..

i don't dare to say that i've changed. i just know that i'm still trying. everyday, to be someone better than yesterday.



changing is probably the greatest challenge for me. much less to say progress.

somehow change is always easy when you are empowered to do so.

through the years it's been struggle after struggle. working from scratch, from nothing, holding on, not losing it. alone.

the gruelling tug within never tires.



it's always easy to say that life/God is good when everything good comes to you - nice presents, things that you like and desire, love, financial security & progress, comfort and favour.



but it takes a lot of energy, faith, and courage to say that life is good with none of the things mentioned above, but with voids of every aspect that never seem fair.

the soul gets endangered when the poison of jealousy kicks in.





i don't give a damn whether life is fair or not. i'm not gonna waste anymore of my time thinking about it.

i just want to be a better man. Man. the one in whom God desires me (everyone of us) to be.



I just want to give my buddy the best birthday ever, every year, no matter how hard it is, because i love him and he means alot to me, even though i'm financially strapped.

i want to let my loved ones know that i truly love them, alot, even though i put on a poker face when i'm out with you all and i don't express it.

i don't because if i do, i'll fall apart. i just can't do it.




life is just f**king screwed, just unjust, and fairly unfair.
suck it up, and live on.



and this, is my resolution.

i'm just not the guy you think i am.

Breathe

Tangy's 21st party was great.. lots of warmth and love indeed.

The party was made great, because she is a great friend herself. This authenticity is tested and proven.



had a drink or two, opened the lovely and nice gifts that she received.

and we sang, and sang and sang. lol surely Bingren and Justin are people of great musical talent.

(and thanks Roy for sending me home again too lol)



even though i was tired, and my sight was blurred, i felt as though i breathed.



i really don't want to think, or to feel. i just want to be lost in something. anything but people. people are people and sometimes it just doesn't work out i suppose, no matter how great they may be.

What am i saying.

maybe i've forgotten about myself. or how to love myself.

lol even after hours of sleep i'm still tired. the lethargy coming from deep within.



i'm scared. i'm not confident. i can't trust anyone. i'm tired of building walls inside my heart when they keep falling apart.

God, i need greater faith within me. Alot alot more faith. because i am but a youth with barely anything at all, to live with and to give.
i'm not a boy, not yet a man, but trying really very hard in every way possible to be one.
i'm not rich, but i'm trying to bless to the very best of my abilities.
i'm not talented, but i'm trying to make something out of everything that i do.
i still feel the sorrowful void after all that i've been through, but i'm trying to get by each day as though it never existed.



i want to be loved, but i'm trying so smile and confess that Your Love is MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME!




i want to breathe.

Silent

Janet sang a great version of Steph Sun's Silent tonight at the usual cell group KTV outing. she's got a remarkable voice, in addition to her finesse in dance; a perfect match of talents.

Well it was pretty alright today. But thoughts loomed in as usual without cessation.

Loved Peacan, Tangy's retriever, though it ate the burger wrapper and chewed on my wrist.



This is the first post in a long time, after feeling the need to at least talk and listen to myself.



Deep within lies a curiosity, for how the people around me has spent their christmas, as well as how they are feeling.



The only joy that i felt, was when i was in the house of God. All i ever thought about was Jesus' great love for me, the very same day i got saved 5 years back, and how everyone else showed their gratitude for the Gift from above.

everything else, was just dry and bland as flour.



trying to get by this christmas without my pay from my job is partly why this season is pretty much miserable. there are so many gifts that i would like to get for my loved ones, but all i have is my super little allowance. lol.. i guess buddy is lucky in a way that i bought his real gift 1 month in advance haha D: (and nice iridium lens lol, but that just means 1 less gift option for your bithday -_-)



There's still Tangy's and buddy's birthdays, as well as the gift exchange. As of today i have to make a firm stand not to spend unnecessarily. i rather give good gifts at the expense of my fun and social life.

while i'm harvesting my crops and doing my jobs (addicted to farmville and mafia wars apparently), i see wall posts of gifts after gifts, dinners after dinners, blah. makes me feel sick.


I am thankful to God that i have the greatest, most hardworking mum in the whole universe, even though there was no christmas feast, no gifts, no dinners.

I'm thankful to God that i'm still here in this world breathing, and given the chance to know how great He is, even though i don't have money, nor fancy, luxurious presents stuffed in a red sock.

I'm thankful to God that i have people in my life who have put in effort to come into my life, to be a true pillar and friend to me, even though they are very busy, and have their own share of burdens.

It's always nice to hear someone telling you that they love you, to be hugged, to be blessed, to receive a gift from the bottom of one's heart. in other words, it's just makes your day to receive the exact thing that you lack within.



but i know that i can make it through without them all. i need to.




wallet's empty, red sock's empty, nights are lonely, but the smile on your faces has made this christmas content and merry..

dancing in the dark.