Looks like most of the people i know got pretty good CNY celebrations, not to mention Valentine's in the midst of it all.
big fat red packets fill the pockets tighter than a can of sardines.
sumptuous meals, tables adorn with abalone and the finest of meats.
new clothes, new phones (more iPhones recently), the freshest catches in town that caught my attention.
nice pictures, lovely smiles, the hugs and the get-togethers, never fail to bring warmth.
never fail to bring pain.
yes, i'm a jealous man! my heart is poisoned with envy and i need to rid of it.
i kept repeating to myself that there are some things in life that you just can't have. it's just not meant to be, and you can't always have things your way, but life always has its ways for you instead.
there are things that i could have i suppose, just not the easy peasy way.
will satisfying my material desires make me feel any better? for so many years it hasn't, but having the life of 0 progression makes me equally demoralizing, and feel lousy about myself.
and then again why is the value of myself affected by material assets? why do the things of this world make you "feel" better about yourself?
i'm not getting how my mind works right now. logic seems to fail me at this point of time, or it could be that it is my logic that is failing.
even if it is worthless, useless, doesn't make me feel good, i will make a stand this time round to upgrade myself. BY MYSELF.
WANTS:
1. iPhone/ iPod Touch
i want it because i just like it. period.
2. New desktop
i want it because i want better-quality standard of gaming and working for myself.
3. New watchES
not one not two but many baby. hopefully one for each day
4. New laptop
"huh? what for? already gonna get a desktop what?" versatility. period.
5. LOADS OF NEW CLOTHES
hey c'mon Henry. you don't deserve to just wear loser clothing that's all black and white all the time, that has been worn over 5-7 years. wake the fuck up and get a whole wardrobe for yourself la.
6. New shoes
one of every colour, for every occasion, including slippers and sandals. no point having nice clothes without nice shoes.
7. New accessories
the best of gold, silver and steel (hopefully not steel actually). bags, belts, bands, studs, chains yeah man that's how people shine. well of course i gotta get a white gold chain again after i gave mine away ._.
8. New guitar
i'm going to get one for myself. hate sharing things with my brother.
9. Car
every man's dream? at least for mine. 10 years of Gran Turismo ain't gonna be wasted just like that. with a car also means license as well la duh.
10. My own apartment
i'm done sharing rooms, sleeping on the floor, fighting over space, and forced to corners of this world just because i don't own the place that i live in.
these desires (excluding 9 & 10) would easily cost me 10,000 dollars. Apparently "ask and you will receive" is not going to work here. i'm not making a comparison with another individual and saying that my life is inferior than his/hers; it's just different.
i am fully confident that i can be a blessing to those who want and need me in their lives. because i have always wanted to be. i still want to, but the economy has changed, and self-recovery is crucial at this moment.
sponsors are welcome, but i hardly doubt so. haha don't bother either. i have the tendency to make emotional repayments to anyone who treats me exceptionally well, which isn't really a good thing.
i don't beg. i don't fucking beg nor whine like a dog for something i want.
i'll get them on my own; i know i can.
i'm not being selfish. i love my loved ones very much, even if they didn't notice, cannot understand, see, feel, reciprocate, or even accept me.
but loving someone has become exceptionally miserable for me when i'm so limited and having to give up so much of myself.
i need to strike the balance of loving myself, as well as my neighbours equally.
in this case, i think i may need to love myself more, considering the many voids deep within.
i'm happy for those who are blessed. and may God bless you guys even more.
but i'm going to go for a solo journey to earn my own blessing.
i still love God. i still believe in Him.
but my victory in life requires me to climb this flight of steps the different way.
