Hand

i think it's really silly of me yet again wanting for a pause when time and tide wait for no man.

this warmth within me, does not come from love. it's some burning pain that irritates me bit by bit, by the second.

tired of living, i am.

each time i pick myself up from the ground, i quickly lose sight and motivation to stay positive. i find no meaning in it. always hoping for the better in my broken-down world is very exhausting.

i shed tears without me knowing, without control. even my body is tired of obeying the will within.

while the once beautiful sun shines to mock me, i will carry on as far as i can, on my own.

while no man was meant to be an island, there is nothing you can do if you happen to be the one in the million who is isolated.

islands cannot move; at least they're not meant to.

this place of love that you so speak and preach, does not belong to me.

for the love that i once knew, probably had only been an illusion, an euphoric sensation that i had allowed myself to be cheated into.

don't hold my hand, if don't plan to stand by and stay with me.

Jokes

happened to catch a live comedy at reunion dinner tonight. the sad thing was it wasn't funny.

but rather, i was left speechless, am still, with heaviness in my head and heart.

i see a father playing with his 2 pet dogs like Ash the Pokemon trainer with his Pikachu or somesort. a close and loving bond so seemingly strong that he seemed to have forgotten he has children. his own children.

met my new aunt from China again, together with her newborn son who was in deep slumber. reminded me of the times when i first saw my sister, and the days i had taken care of her ever since day 1.

i had quite a few cynical and unfruitful comments i wanted to tell my new aunt. stuff like "you should cherish the present bliss you have now because you never know when you and your child might lose it" and some other stuff i kinda forget, and am glad that i did. little Dominic, inasmuch indifference i may feel towards you and your mum now, i do hope a good future is ahead of you; after all, you are already somewhat, a victim.

grandpa's portrait stood silently in front of the dining hall, and watched us have our meal. grandma served us her special dark-sauce sauteed prawns while my brother was busy texting his new girlfriend.

don't really have to add on to the heartbreak for my granny with the cold truth that i'm single and different, really.

God, if you're reading this, is today's reunion dinner just another show? another drama to make me feel confused about my existence in this family and world?

"what do you wanna do/be in the near future?"

i don't know anymore; i don't really care actually?

as i speak i'm still talking to you. i'm probably just making things worse for myself.

FML